Finally, finally I was able to open up to my husband and share about my inner-writing conflicts. I’m not sure that he really understands me, although he is trying, but actually I’m not sure anyone understands me. But who really is truly understood in all his complexities? And how can I expect others to make sense of me, when I feel incapable of just that? But I digress. That is not the issue at hand.
As one suggested solution to my lack of seeing an immediate goal in my desired writing, Patrick spoke what I have considered and discarded and considered and discarded.
“What about a blog?” he said. “You could post every Friday (or whatever day in the week) and have something specific to be working on every week.”
Yes, what about a blog? When put so simply, it seems so appealing. What an easy way to give myself a goal, once a week. And I guess enough people really do read blogs, so that maybe, just maybe, some individuals could possibly even read what I have written. What a great way to “get myself out there”!
But, as my thought-process goes, everybody these days blogs! I can think of four friends from former lives who blog, but with worthy and interesting topics. It is important for me to keep up with those, which says a lot. By doing any internet search, tons of blogs come up, especially with topics having to do with books and writing. Any and everyone who loves books and or writing (and they often go together) has a blog.
I have never enjoyed doing anything that everybody is doing, either because everybody thinks it is the cool thing to be doing or it’s just something that you do. This sort of mass agreement really turns me off to anything, thus my obvious hesitation when considering blogging.
But, if I’m honest, there is more to it. I would be putting myself and my writing “out there”. To really fulfill its purpose (and mine) it would really only make sense if I go public. That means anyone can read what I have to say in a given week. Like I said that is the point, but it is scary isn’t? And not just in terms of the “oh, Big Brother is watching; I am giving up all privacy when I do anything on the internet” German definition. I would be making myself accountable, not only (and finally in a concrete way!) to my desire to write regularly, but to my actual writing. I would be opening myself up to failure. I would finally have to own up to my belief that I can write and move on to convincing others of the same.
The thought is terrifying and exhilarating, all at once. How often have I heard recently that in order to honestly open oneself up to what is possible, we have to be willing to fall flat on our noses. We have to be willing to fail, which is always scary and for me, always connected with shame and feelings of inadequacy. But that tiny “what if” at the back of my head, keeps making me smile at the thought of blogging. What if it’s fun? What if I’m actually good at it? What if people end up reading what I write? What if I am finally true to myself and my desire? Of course all the opposites of these questions call too, but for some reason it is a relief to know there have been others before me who have failed and surely, there will be others after.
I wrote my dear friend Elizabeth and asked her advice: to Blog or Not to Bog, this is what I need to hear from you. In a very brief, but enthusiastic response she wrote,
I just wanted to give you a resounding YES to blogging! The thing is, even if no one else actually reads your blog, the chance always exists that they could, and I think that the possibility of an audience always changes the writing process, makes us more accountable to something, even if it’s just a hypothetical. So yes, I say go for it!
I smiled at her enthusiasm; I smiled at her writing exactly what I needed to hear. Yes, it can and probably will change my writing process, and that is a good thing. So, with butterflies in my stomach, for better or even for worse, I will blog!